Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
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My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
This week’s mood.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Haha good job!!
kevin is now a local weatherman
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
my one true gender
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me, after a minor inconvenience: