Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
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if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
who wore it better?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
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