Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
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I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon