Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami