Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
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Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I support this random dude and all his protests
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.