I miss this era type of pranksš
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PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
āWow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.ā
āThatās a smart car.ā
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
āyou changed, broā yeah no shit iām a cockroach. please help me out of bed
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo iām tooo comfy!! shut up
I’m an avid indoorsman.
PARKOUR
“Please, do that thing again with your tongueā¦” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks Iām a lumberjack.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and itās not even dark yet.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a āi didnāt know i was pregnantā type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Do NOT do this šš
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & thatās why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. Iām moving out.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Him: Iām sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already āfoundā 5 though.
You donāt love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how thereās three zeros after that decimal point but whateveā¦
Oh
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Donāt you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods ānoā*
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8