I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
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ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*