me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
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It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham