me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
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Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
why isn’t he texting back
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME