Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
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Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
men are simple creatures
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
me opening up to someone
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost