me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
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Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.