Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
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I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Why do meteors always land in craters?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here