Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
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A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.