me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
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At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
When you try jalapeños for the first time
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.