I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
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Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
LOOOOOOL
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!