Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
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I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.