ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
You Might Also Like
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”