ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
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If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
just left a huge legacy in there
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.