*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
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Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
good work, detective
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.