Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
You Might Also Like
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton