On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 馃幍
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn鈥檛 home.
Me: Nevermind.
Coffee so strong I鈥檓 starting to believe I鈥檓 The Flash.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can鈥檛 dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 馃憤馃徎
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son鈥檚 diaper please.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.