ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
You Might Also Like
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs