Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.