Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
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I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
HERE’S MARKY
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy