I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
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Weighing up my bread heating options
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I have no passwords left in me
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car