Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
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Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way