Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool