@: me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
@fightforfood: I'm not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone's house and just started eating their breakfast.
@Lowenaffchen: I used to worry about offending people's moms on facebook but now they all post memes like "I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children"
@HatfieldAnne: I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
@peachesanscream: Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
@mexinonblonde: Him-You have the most beautiful lips.
Me-Wait...how do you know what my.....
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.