@: me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
@DearAnyone: "Try to score a goal. Don't use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
@joejwest: ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
@OneFunnyMummy: All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
@Doughbvy: next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
@primawesome: Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.