me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
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I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
What the hell happened here.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor