me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
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“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace