If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
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[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance