Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
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Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime