me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
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Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃