Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
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My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life