ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
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She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
What a chick magnet..
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
This is enough internet for the day.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.