Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?