Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
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Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Natty or not?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
wish me luck lads
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.