Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
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Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants