My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
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I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…