Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
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detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman