Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
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Super Hand Dog Face
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news