Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
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Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.