Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
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Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”