ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
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“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face