Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
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teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Fiction has to make sense.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Blew my mind.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Britain be like
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.