If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
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I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Only Americans understand
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey