ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
You Might Also Like
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
No laws when master is gone
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!