My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
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Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
How dude HOW?!
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.