I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing