Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
WHO DID THIS?
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.