ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
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I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[loses house key, starts a new life]
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.