@Lerky: Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
@sixthformpoet: I'm a man trapped outside a woman's body.
@BackrowSeats: [Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
"He's still sleeping."
@csmith5050: Do white boys with dreadlocks know about Garnier Fructis?
@figgled: Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
@WheelTod: Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you've been seeing for less than a week.