Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
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probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Great game to play with friends
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Don’t tell me what to do
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*